sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize