So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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