she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
