i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
