just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
