i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
