I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Mom said you looked used
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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