my phone needs a breathalizer
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
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