i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Randomize