well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
