Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize