actually, I'm a sock model
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
