you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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