We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
