You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
