So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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