i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Randomize
