So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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