my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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