Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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