so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize