don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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