a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I think I just sharted jello shots
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