I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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