After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
