just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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