My underwear smells like fireworks.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
