either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
