Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
