Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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