My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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