I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm just crazy horny about you
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
