Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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