I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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