I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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