Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
