he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
