1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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