I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
