Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
