sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
