Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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