I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
