she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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