apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
