I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
