i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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