My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
