how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
