I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
