I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Randomize
