if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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