my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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