just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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