My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
