it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
