I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
