i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
