Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
