No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
sarcasm needs its own font
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
