69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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