I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
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