Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Randomize