I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
