My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
