Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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