i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
i now understand why vodka
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
