three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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