I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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