Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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