in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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