dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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